7 Tips on Practical Things to do When You’ve Decided to Separate

Separation is one of the most exhausting experiences couples and loved ones can go through. Emotions and stress levels are running high when you or your spouse has made the decision to call it quits, and finding ways to protect yourself in the process can be hard. Once you’ve separated there will be a million things running through your head; what to organise, paperwork that needs to be finalised and all the legalities that come with it.
Rarely is anyone ever fully prepared for the end of a marriage or a long term defacto relationship. Even if you are the one that’s initiated separation, making the final decision is never easy. And for many of us, there’s a lot at stake. Planning is paramount to defuse the challenging time as much as possible. Here’s a few practical tips to get you started:

1. Speak to Someone You Trust

Having a means of support is vital during the process. Tell someone you trust about what is happening – this is important to both safety concerns as well as that much needed emotional support. This person can help to steer your mind to a clearer state and offer friendly advice about your decisions. Having someone that isn’t directly involved in the separation is helpful for making plans, seeking advice and offering a different point of view. Don’t be afraid to lean on close friends and family members for support.

2. Revoke Power of Attorney

In most long term relationships your spouse will be appointed as your power of attorney should anything happen to you. Now a separation is in place, it’s essential to change this information straight away. The sooner you revoke that power of attorney the better. Appoint someone else you trust – like a next of kin, trusted friend or daughter or son if they’re at the right age. Getting on top of these changes as soon as possible will provide you with a better peace of mind and ensure the separation is as smooth as it can be.

3. Seek Legal Advice

Being thoroughly informed about all possible scenarios from a trained professional can help to ease a lot of the stress that comes with divorce or separation. Seeking legal advice can point you in the right direction and offer valuable aid to making life altering decisions. You may find you don’t even need to use a lawyer at the end of the day; but having that guidance and legal advice ensures you’re well informed before you finalise anything. For many separation situations, hiring a divorce lawyer is one of the most important parts of planning and can assist with proper settlement and joint custody of children.

4. Open Up Your Own Bank Account and Have all Paperwork Ready

How are your finances set up? Chances are you and your spouse have joint bank accounts that will need to be halved and closed off. Give some serious thoughts into how you’re wanting to handle these finances and start setting yourself up as early as possible. Open up your own bank account away from your spouse – you’ll need it – and make sure you have access to all paperwork for joint accounts and finances to finalise.

5. Be Honest with Your Children

Ending a long term relationship or marriage that involves children is always harder. Regardless of their age, they’re always going to be somewhat affected so it’s important you keep up their usual routines as much as possible. This will help to avoid any unnecessary concerns and aim to keep things as normal as you can for them. Whilst you definitely don’t want to put all the emotions and ‘adult’ dramas onto them, it’s vital you stay honest with your children and encourage time for them to talk about how they’re feeling. Pushing the problem under the rug or denying them the truth will only create bigger issues down the track.

6. Lose the Expectations

Having expectations about how your spouse is going to act during the will always lead to disappointment. If you are the one that’s initiated the separation or divorce, chances are you’ve had more time than then to deal with the emotions and anger that comes with it. You may be more than ready for this; but don’t expect them to be. Lose the expectations about them fitting into your timeline (or vice versa). You will both experience different emotions at various times and it’ll take time, patience and planning to digest it all. Be reasonable with what you expect and focus on only the things you can change and get through.

7. Write Up a Separation Agreement

If you and your former spouse can come to an agreement, writing up a separation agreement can be a smart idea. Covering all bases, a separation agreement is a signed written document that says how you both have agreed to divide property, finances and assets. It can also outline any terms surrounding child support, spousal support and custody and access issues. This agreement should be written once the relationship has ended and if agreed upon, can eliminate a lot of problems and heartache down the line. A separation agreement should only be written up if both parties are on the same page or can agree to compromise. If there’s a serious power imbalance or one spouse has been abusive, it’s safer to opt for legal aid instead.

 

Article supplied by Felicity Allen.