Blended Families: Unperfect Families?

In the latest episode of the Unperfect Parent Podcast, Silvia and Mark chat about blended families, their experiences of ‘blending’ and some of the challenges, including the ‘evil stepmother’!

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Transcript

Silvia:   So, blended families, is that an appropriate name for couples who have kids from previous relationships in the family? What do you think?

Mark:   I think that’s really an interesting question actually. When I was growing up, I don’t think I knew what the term “blended families” meant and I guess I was a little bit of a dreamer. So, I probably wasn’t aware of the things going on around me, but I don’t remember actually really being exposed to blended families to great extent when I was growing up. Silvia, I do think that blended families is a term that a lot of kids probably don’t intuitively understand. What do you think?

Silvia:   Yes, I agree. I really don’t know what’s the appropriate name. Step families? And I think just before, we came across this “intact families” which is–

Mark:   Yes,obviously as a blended family ourselves, it feels to me like saying intact families about the sort of normal (laughs) I would say…

Silvia:   Traditional?

Mark:   Traditional family ideal. It does feel a little bit judgmental in a way, to say intact versus the—what is it? Exploded or…? (laughs)

Silvia:   Exploded. (laughs)

Mark:   I was wondering, what do you think about maybe expanded?

Silvia:   Expanded. Okay.

Mark:   Expanded families. It’s a bit more inclusive, maybe?

Silvia:   Yes, yes. I think that the thing with language is I think the way that we use language tells a lot about what we are as a culture. So as I said, when you use terms like intact, yes, it definitely has that language that may sounded judgmental. But yes, I don’t think there is an answer to that. And yes, expanded would be a good term.

Mark:   I hereby claim that term. (laughs) Everyone in Australia use expanded families instead of…

Silvia:   I can just see us using the term expanded and having to explain it over and over and over and over. (laughs)

Mark:   Yes, that’s true. Well actually, it’s interesting because I think we were quite careful when we came together as a couple and introduced our families to each other and became a blended family. I think we put a fair bit of time into thinking about how to do that and to make sure that the kids were well supported in that transition, but I don’t remember having at any stage said we’re going to become a blended family, right? (laughs) That’s not really the way that you talk to kids, is it? You don’t really sort of say, “Now kids, we’re going to be a blended family now.”

Silvia:   No, yes, maybe let’s take a little step back. So, Mark and I met in 2016 through a famous dating app.

                (laughter) (hush)

Silvia:   And both of us… so, I had a daughter from a previous relationship and Mark had two sons. And yes, back then I think we’d both were in that mindset that yes, we would like to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, but we definitely saw dating as a completely separate compartment in our lives. I think like when we first met, there was no way we were going to ever involve our kids in that. And things changed.

Mark:   Yes, it’s an interesting sort of question, isn’t it? Because we’ve come across a lot of people in our time who are from blended families or they’ve separated and gone down the dating route later in life. And yes, some people you talk to, well they could get their families together in a blended arrangement quicker than I would’ve been comfortable. And some very much hold on and hold off, and don’t ever get to the stage with their families come together with their new partner. I would hope to be nonjudgmental. And I think, you know, everyone’s got their own path in life, don’t they?

Silvia:   Yes. So, for us, we decided… Things change very quickly. We actually realized we were in love and we wanted to actually be part of each other’s life, and that included our kids. And we’re probably ready to… Had we been younger and childless, we probably would have been moved in together very quickly and… But we– kids I think forced us to just go, “Okay, no, let’s give ourselves at least one year to gradually introduce them.”

Mark:   Yes, and I think there were, you know, there’s circumstantial stuff that makes these easier sometimes. In our case, we found out that our kids were very similar in age. In fact, my oldest son is almost the same age as your daughter, Silvia, and so I think that did make things a bit easier. I do wonder how difficult it can be for people. You know, maybe one partner has a toddler or a baby sometimes and the other one’s got teenagers. That can be a quite difficult situation to bring the two distinct families together.

Silvia:   Yes, no, I agree. I think it was not really a deal breaker. It’s not that I was looking for someone with kids with exactly the same age as mine, but no doubt it has made life easier. They have similar interests and the like, similar activities. Yes, no doubt, that made life easier for us.

Mark:   And I quite often think that it was a good sign of the blended family situation was working when they went from playing a little bit together and being fairly, I guess tentative? Well, no, actually I don’t think they were attentive even at the start, but they went from being just kids who played together to really being like true siblings that involved everything. From surprising you with how well they can play together to actually, just like any siblings, fighting with each other (laughs) and things like that. I think they get along pretty much like any siblings do. There’s good times and bad times, that’s for sure.

Silvia:   Yes, I agree.

Mark:   One thing that I think troubles me, and I think—Well, not that it troubles me, but one thing that annoys me is the common portrayal of step parents in films and in media.

Silvia:   Especially the stepmother.

Mark:   Yes, I must admit that the step mother gets more air time. The evil stepmother gets more air time than an evil stepdad. But how do this develop? How do we get to the situation where there’s common myth of the evil step mum?

Silvia:   I think that reflects the general culture. I think until a few generations ago, divorce was something that was in hood often. Even once it became legally possible, it was still socially not really well accepted and I think those stories that included the evil stepmother just reflected what is the general feel. In fact, I have had in… In my back, at least I have to write kids’ books where there’s good step parents.

Mark:   Oh yes, it’s about… yes. (laughs)

Silvia:   I never got around this. It’s one of the… It’s on my to do list, but I never got around to it. But I do know that there is actually some good material out there, just hasn’t made it to the mainstream I believe.

Mark:   Yes. I was actually just reading on… I didn’t think about this much until I was reading just recently about the history of step parents. I guess in the past, deaths during childbirth was much more common than it is today and so, actually getting a step mother was often due to death of the mother during childbirth rather than a separation. So, I guess, maybe historically that might have something to do with it. The evil stepmom comes in when your biological mother has died giving birth to you. It’s something I haven’t thought about before.

Silvia:   Yes, that makes sense. Harder than divorce, yes. I suppose that makes sense.

Mark:   So, Silvia, we didn’t really touch on… What was your experience growing up? Were you exposed to blended families, step mothers, step dads, things like that?

Silvia:   I actually had been exposed in my teenage years. I remember growing up, my very best friend from school who is still my best friend now although life has taken us to different paths and we don’t see each other as often. So yes, her parents had separated and I think like her parents were one of the first who separated. I think there was definitely quite a stigma around how to make sure you actually ask that question to her. But my recollection is that there was quite a bit of stigma around her parents’ separation.

Mark:   Do you mean stigma from other people and the community?

Silvia:   Yes. I think, for example, the parents that wouldn’t allow their kids to play with her because of that. Or there was always some bit of… And again, that’s my recollection. I do remember even I’m feeling, “Oh my God, divorce and blended families” because I think by the time her father had remarried, I do remember thinking… Or maybe that was something that was discussed even with my own parents that there’s something bad about blended families or about marriage break ups. And I think in hindsight, I can see that there was actually nothing wrong with marriage break up per se. What made life difficult for my friend was actually that her parents’ break up was not really peaceful or it’s actually very, very messy. There was like a lot of fighting going on. And I think that was that where your key I think was not the blended family.

Mark:   It does make you wonder, doesn’t it? In the so-called intact families when there’s a lot of conflict, it’s not really any different to that kind of situation or maybe it would have been worse for the kids if the parents had stayed together with a high-level of conflict.

Silvia:   I think one of the things that I remember growing up, I grew up with… So, my grandparents had a very unhappy marriage. My grandfather was an alcoholic and my grandmother had no choice. She had to stay together. Maybe even like once divorce was legal but it was not accepted socially for her generation and it was not financially viable for her either. One of the things that I think I felt really annoyed is when I see data around divorce and I see those newspaper headlines go, “Divorce rates have increased!” I can’t help but think to myself, “Thank goodness because that means unhappy marriages are now… you don’t need to be in an unhappy relationship.”

Mark:   Yes, there’s a lot of stories buried beneath the statistics isn’t there? I just thought before we end up this episode, I want to sort of change tact a bit. We talked a bit about some of the challenges and the negative stereotypes from that, but I think one of the really fascinating things is where you hear about these amazing blended family stories where people have managed to make it work in really interesting situations. And you hear occasionally about blended families where the old path of two blended families actually come together for events or they get along quite well and you hear about all sorts of interesting stories. Does anything spring to mind for you?

Silvia:   Definitely. I think I’m always forever inspired by how those families stay to make it work.

Mark:   All right. We might wrap things up there. Have you got an interesting story about blended families? If you have, then shoot us an email. The email address is [email protected] and we’d love to hear from you. Thanks a lot.

Silvia:   Thank you!