Conflicts Between Children
At FamilyLab we often get the question: “How and when should we as parents interfere when our children fight?” In this article we will look at practical ways parents can interfere. We will also look at some general consideration to understand the nature of conflicts and why children continue to fight with each other.
How do you interfere?
If you wish to interfere it is actually quite simple. You have to be personal and measured. And make sure you do not criticise or take sides.
When you (and your partner) are able to set aside some time you need to talk about what makes you want to interfere in the first place. Is it because you do not like conflicts? Do you feel that the absence of conflicts means that there is peace and harmony? Is the conflict getting out of hand? If this is how you feel, you are not alone. But do not rush to interfere. Pause and give them time. Then you say: “Stop!” Be forceful and firm because they must know that you mean it. Yell it out if that is the way you feel. When you decide to put an end to a conflict you must do it properly. Do not give them a half-hearted squeak asking them to stop because you have had enough. Do not blame them: “There is no point in talking to you because you don’t listen!” Do not criticise them either: “You should be more considerate, after all he is smaller than you!” And it is pointless saying: “What is wrong with you? Why can’t you sit quietly and play?”
When the conflict is over you can help your children learn to express themselves more accurately – help them use words that better describe what they really mean when they say: “You are an idiot!”, “You are dumb!”, “I hate you!”etc.
1. Ask both of them: “What is it you would like to achieve?” Listen carefully to their answers without being judgemental.
2. Ensure that both of them have heard and understood the other’s answers. You might want them to rephrase each others answers.
3. Ask the child who started the conflict to explore if it is actually possible to achieve what they want. If not, ask what he/she thinks about that.
4. Finish off by thanking both of them for their help.
5. Remember that you are the mediator and not a judge.
When this is done – you are done. Your children have learnt something about themselves and each other. They have become more self-aware and before they turn 10 years old they will most likely have understood what it is all about. Are your children already at that age they will get it even sooner. But no matter how old they are when you start this, you can look forward to conflicts for another year or two.
Remember, it does no good at all if you start lecturing or allocating the blame. Were you to do that, you would be asking for further conflicts, which will only slow down the learning process.
In some families, the children fight over just about anything. If that is the case, it is a good idea to get everyone together and have a serious conversation about what is going on and why it is happening. There are three possible sources for the conflicts: Conflicts between parents and children. Between the parents. And between the children themselves. Long-term conflicts between the children rarely happen.
Finally, as parents we are often driven by a need to be useful and a desire to “bring-up” children. Unfortunately, we often do this more for our own sake than for the children’s. If you think it is unbearable to witness conflicts between your children, then leave the room, close the door and do not get involved. Most of the time your children will work it out quicker and better the less you get involved. Just imagine if someone continually interrupted the conflicts between you and your partner…! Your child may feel exactly like that.
What is a conflict?
A relationship between two or more people is not possible without conflicts. What is possible is to choose how we relate to the conflicts when they do occur. Some parents grew up in families where conflicts were swept under the carpet and consequently they do not like conflicts or simply lack the tools and knowledge to deal with them. Others grew up in families where the conflicts were so frequent that one succeeded the next. These parents experience conflicts as something very unpleasant because they were never resolved. They repress the conflicts when they have their own children as they are seen as disastrous.
Many of today’s parents grew up when adults genuinely believed that children should be sheltered from conflicts. Some of us grew up knowing that conflicts would eventually lead to separation and divorce. Both groups have a somewhat ambivalent attitude to conflicts within their own families.
A conflict occurs when two people have needs or desires that are opposed – or at least do not coincide. Since no two people are identical we will inevitably experience conflicts. Sometimes we are even in conflict with ourselves when we cannot make up our minds.
We need to take a look at “fighting” and “mourning”. When we have a need such as: “I would like you to put your book and pay attention to what I want to say!” we clearly express a need. This is not always easy. Many of us grew up in a culture where it was seen as selfish to want something. This is why many parents quickly become frustrated and say: “Do you always have to read?” or “Why do you never say anything?” or “Why do you never listen?” and so on. We really behave in a childish manner – the way children behave.
Younger children are not that restricted – not yet anyway. They happily exclaim every need and desire that comes to mind. They also make it known when someone crosses their boundaries.
Even when we are able to express our needs clearly there is still the risk that the other person says: “I don’t have time right now!” or “I don’t want to talk right now. Can we do it tomorrow?” or simply the mumbled and frustrated:“What’s wrong now!?” When that happens, the fight starts – or hopefully the negotiations.
Even the best negotiator or the one with good reasoning might loose. This is in fact what children experience most of the time.
Sometimes our needs are so different and opposing that one part has to give in. “Can I have an ice-cream?” or “Can I stay up a bit later tonight?” When the children are not allowed to do that, the only thing for them to do is cry over the loss and that is it. Only through the process of mourning are we able to restore our inner balance and thus find peace. It is always a serious loss having to do without something we really want.
If what the children want is not that important it is more like a disappointment than a loss. But there are also times when the loss is overwhelming.
As children most of us were never given the opportunity to come to terms with the little, medium or the serious losses. The adults cut us short: “Be good!”, “Don’t be silly!”, “Don’t make a scene!”, ”Shhh, don’t cry!” or something similar. We had to swallow our sadness and remain frustrated. We had to adapt and conform. After seven or eight years of practice children become very good at presenting themselves in a sensible, friendly, reasonable or even adult-like manner. Parents can then congratulate themselves on the seeming fact that they have brought up harmonious children (= not troublesome children.)
This is exactly why it is so important that parents support and teach their children to express their needs and wishes. And allow for space and time to mourn when they cannot get what they want. Some children will bring the house down while others go quietly and are grumpy for a few days. Just do not try to comfort them or try to explain anything. Be with them in silent sympathy. There will be plenty of time for explanation and conversation when they have found their inner balance again.
When it comes to processing conflicts children will almost exclusively learn from example. They learn from you and will co-operate with you as well as copy whatever you do. Your children will, as always, learn from what you do, not from what you say or tell them. When the children turn five or six years old, they will do things the way you do them. Since you are not perfect, your children will not be perfect either.
We can learn much from our children
When small children are in the middle of a conflict they often yell and kick. Most of us can learn much from this straight and forward way of expression. Many relationships between adults and between adults and children would improve dramatically if we were able to use a similarly personal language: “I want..!”, “I don’t want..!”, “I like..!”, “I don’t like..!”, etc.
Children are often able to say what they mean with all of their heart. They yell when they are frustrated, cry when they are sad and swear with they are angry. Most of us adult have forgotten these skills, much to the detriment of our own quality of life.
Our children can learn how to use their language in an effort to process conflicts if we do it. This ought not to be confused with: “Talk sensibly about things!”, “Take it easy!” or “Be reasonable!” We are not rational being – especially not when we are in the middle of a conflict.
Our children can learn from us when we have conflicts. What do mum and dad do then they disagree? If we do not like the way our children have conflicts, just remember that our children are always the mirror we see ourselves most clearly in. They show us how we are and through this they perhaps even inspire us to work on our own behaviour.
As adults we can teach our children to count, read and write. We can teach them to wait for a green light and all sorts of practical and necessary things. But when it comes to the really important aspects of life it is often our children who are able to teach us most – exactly because they are forced to copy us.
Written by Jesper Juul, founder of FamilyLab and author of Raising Competent Children (Rockpool Publishing, $24.95), now available at all good book stores or online at www.rockpoolpublishing.com.au
