Domestic Violence or Conflict?

How to recognise the difference between Domestic Violence and conflict so we can protect our children.

 

I am a survivor of adult relationship abuse. As a child, I never heard of the word ‘abuse’ and grew up unclear on what a toxic relationship was, yet my own childhood was abusive, but not physically. I was used to being neglected and my needs and reality ignored. I was used to fear, denial and control.

 

Not all women who get caught by abuse have this background. But what we all have in common is gaps in our permission to protect and prioritise ourselves.

 

When I ask women what domestic violence is, they list the types of abuse and do not understand what specifically defines abuse. There are 16 types of abuse. Many women miss identifying many of these types because they are not clear on what abuse really is. When you are not clear, it can be easy to not see abuse as abuse even when abuse is right in front of us, in our families, relationships and at work.

 

You miss recognising what abuse is when you are only looking for the specific types of abuse you or society recognise. This is why many women do not realise they are living with abuse until after they have left the relationship. If we are not clear, we are not able to model and teach our children to be aware and not get caught. Naivety continues.

 

Domestic violence is a pattern of denial, control and punishing behaviour within an intimate relationship, from one person to another, through the use of force. This particular pattern of control and force (whether actual or threatened) from one person towards another, or towards property or animals, causes the person whom it is directed at or witnessing, to be under threat of psychological or physical harm or deprivation. When that threat or act is directed towards you, there is a fear for your personal wellbeing or safety.

Another way of describing abuse in a relationship, is when one person repeatedly denies and overrides the rights, reality and needs of another person, punishing and shaming them to extinguish their right to have their own response in their own surroundings.

When we are clear and unquestioning on this definition as a benchmark, we can recognise when any type of abuse is happening. The only thing is that we have this historical, familial and social norm of excusing emotional, verbal and psychological abuse and twisting what is not ok to be ok so boundaries become blurry. A boundary crossing is when you feel some line has been crossed, even if someone else has a different boundary. It is your boundary line.

We have compressed violence as only physical and sexual, yet we have all being on the end of a tone of voice, certain words and that look in the eye which leaves us feeling assaulted and in shock. We have become so used to psychological and emotional abuse, that we act as if it is not happening.

We become too busy not wanting to offend or judge another adult that we have lost the modelling we have worked hard to show our children. We let our children down. They see us putting up with the unacceptable. What we would never want for them. They see us in denial when someone is treating us with disrespect and not honouring our reality. They see us as we suffer, endure and minimise. Our society values this as strong and ‘loving’, rather than value and celebrate the emotional courage to take action and protect the integrity of our own life energy.

We have not been taught what happens to the brain and body when under relationship stress and trauma. We have not been taught about the involuntary responses in the body and how to respond to and take care of them. Women usually don’t know about the unique female stress response and how to respond to this coping pattern. We don’t know how to be with our own body or how to teach our girls.

We are doing our best to protect our children with what we know. We want them to learn and receive the appropriate and natural consequences when they do wrong. We want our children to have the emotional muscle to bear when they have done wrong and repair from their errors, but we are too hesitant to confront our peers, when we hear or see something that is not quite right. We become over-responsible, minimise, say it is none of our business, ‘he’ is stressed or ‘it takes two to tango’. Unfortunately this means, that ultimately we prefer to pacify an adult, even if it means vulnerable women or children are at risk, including ourselves.

Despite there being so much media attention and awareness about domestic violence, we are a society which has such weak emotional muscle that we have lost the connection on how to reach out, what to say and what to do when something is not quite right. Yet we demand our children to bear their faults. We are not walking the talk.

We also need to be clear about the difference between abuse and arguments in a relationship. Abuse involves an environment and pattern of denial, punishment, fear and control, which systematically denies one person’s reality, feelings, needs and differences. Whereas, arguments and conflict may involve someone denying another person’s feelings or opinions in the moment, but you are not in fear of them or of consequences, and it is not embedded within a systematic process of control and denial.

If we want to protect our children, we need to start looking at how clear are we about recognising abuse and conflict, and identify what we choose to be silent on. Children follow behaviour, not our words. Do you need support to become clear? We teach children to ask for help. Can you do that for you too?

 

 

Anita Bentata is a Survivor, Author, Professional Speaker, Trauma Psychotherapist and Women Starting Again group and workshop facilitator and trainer. Anita’s books and contact details can be found on http://www.thewolfinasuit.com as well as http://www.anitabentata.com/crazymakingverbalemotionalabuseexplained She can be found on FB The Wolf in a Suit and IG Anita Bentata