Domestic Violence Signs

Domestic violence is often only thought of to be physical with a romantic partner. However, there are many types of abuse that are not as easy to detect; such as also emotional, mental, social, spiritual and financial abuse. Domestic violence can also be within different relationship dynamics; for example, a familial relationship. Crucially, it is about a person exerting their power and control over another.

It often starts out slow and gets worse as time progresses. Personally, it started with my then-partner punching his phone and doors. This in turn lead to him throwing things at me which then escalated physically even further. I didn’t realise what was happening until I left for the final time.

Domestic violence can be physical as well as emotional. This emotional abuse is much harder to recognise because it lies deeper than a black eye or a bruise, but it can hold more hidden long-term ramifications than the physical stuff. Examples are; telling me what I should and shouldn’t be doing, isolating me from my friends and family so I felt like I had nobody to talk to etc. This ties into the spiritual abuse where you feel like you are not allowed to have your own beliefs and opinions and lastly the financial abuse – where your financial independence has been taken away so you are dependent on your abuser.

Overall, this can start to chip away at your self-worth, your self-esteem and your motivation. It can be mentally and physically draining and can affect your work and mental health. On top of these feelings, you can be battling with your emotions for that individual. Especially when they have meant so much to you for a long time, so you break up and get back together again many times and it can be a vicious cycle. This is often a tell-tale sign that a relationship is not working, either for one or both individuals.

Some times, a part of you likes to think that you can change that person, I used to think my then-partner was amazing and deeply loving and a caring man if he just had the right tools to manage his anger. The most important thing is that you look after yourself. You have to be selfish, especially when it comes to your mental and physical well-being.  Personally, I had to say “enough” and leave. After this, I had to be on my own for a while and really work myself out, my self-esteem has taken a big hit.

RED FLAGS AND SIGNS

In hindsight there were red flags and I have listed some questions below to help anybody else:

·         How does that person speak about an ex-partner? Are they blaming/angry?

·         How does that person talk to other people, do they lie to others?

·         Do they blame you or other people for things that happened to them?

·         Do they have any childhood experiences of violence?

·         Do they have a history of violent behaviour?

·         Do they get attached very quickly – i.e. want to spend all their time with you?

·         Do they say you are being too sensitive/too stressed out?

·         Do they judge and make accusations of other?

·         Do they judge and accuse you, while making many assumptions?

·         Do they call you names?

·         Do they hit things?

·         Do they abuse drugs or alcohol?

·         Do they feel the need to check up on you constantly or stay in touch constantly?

·         In my experience, domestic violence can be physical as well as emotional.

·         Have they ever accused you of being interested in someone else or possible of cheating?

·         Have you ever felt threatened?

·         Do they constantly check your social media profiles or phone?

These are all questions to ask yourself because sometimes you have no idea what is happening. For me it took a close personal friend saying “I recognise what is going on, this is a cycle of domestic violence,” before I realized. This can be even harder when you realise you have alienated many of your friends and loved ones, but it is important to know you are not alone.

Having lived through the difficult time of being in a Domestic Violence relationship, I can now help other people heal after they come out of these types of relationships. I run a free program titled “Heal Your Love Wounds” that aims to help heal all wounds from past lovers, ex-partners, abusers etc. It is a great way to work on yourself after coming out of a Domestic Violence relationship in order to never attract a unhealthy relationship again, and build a healthy relationship with yourself.

More information can be found at www.tinyurl.com/5daystolove.

 

Emmajane Love (EJ Love) – more commonly known as Australia’s Love Priestess, is a love and intimacy coach, sex coach, published author and speaker. EJ is highly regarded across Australia for her work in helping individuals and couples to address and resolve sexual issues and improve their sex life. She also uses her experiences in domestic violence, to help other people going through similar situations to survive and thrive.