Embarking on recovery following an abusive history: How understanding the story of an ‘abuser’ helped me to heal.
We are creations of our experiences: but even when marred by past abuse, we can transform ourselves into worthy human beings.
As a survivor, I understand what it is to not want to see or speak to those who have hurt you.
When we have experienced trauma and pain we naturally seek to avoid it, to hide from it.
But have you considered…
The person who mistreated you likely understands this too.
For they are also survivors.
They too were damaged at the hands of others.
For that reason, I dislike the term ‘abuser’ or ‘perpetrator’.
Just as much as I dislike the term ‘victim’… so I will not use these terms hereon.
These labels only incite us to attach with false identities,
Perpetuating the cycle of violence and abuse.
Many of us have been hurt at the hands of another’s mistake at some point in our lives.
And sometimes, in our confusion and pain, we make mistakes and hurt others.
We can only hope we come to recognise our wrongdoings, to understand the drivers of our actions,
So we may strive to change and grow, to be better than who we were yesterday,
To not repeat those same mistakes, to never again hurt another.
Over time, I sought to understand something of the person who hurt me.
It was through this process I started to find some peace.
This insight and understanding helped me to find compassion and forgiveness.
And it was in compassion and forgiveness I found my healing – my way forward.
I believe those who have hurt us can:
- Come to understand their wrongdoing
- Take responsibility and be remorseful for their actions
- Learn what was behind their harmful behaviour
- Recover from identifying with their hurtful past
- Change… grow… return to being the worthy people we are all intended to be.
We are all humans… with thoughts, feelings and behaviours.
We make mistakes.
So too are we all survivors.
What hope do any of us have of achieving recovery, growth, and well-being,
If we continue to inhibit healing with blame, guilt and shame.
We can work towards recovery by choosing our language more carefully.
By understanding behaviour is driven by motive.
Sometimes the motive is confusion and pain.
This does not justify harmful behaviour,
But through understanding we can begin to heal and repair,
And move towards ending the cycle of trauma and abuse.
These 4 steps can help when embarking towards recovery following past abuse:
- Try to understand something of the person who mistreated you, as they too have been hurt
- Choose the language you use to define yourself and your transgressor as a means of mutual progressive healing instead of perpetual condemnation
- Focus on compassion and forgiveness to find healing and a way forward
- Take back control of how you allow the past to influence your present and future.
Yes – there will still be times of anger and distress, rage and despair,
But like all things, these feelings pass. Nothing is forever.
The past cannot be undone – it remains a part of us always.
And practicing forgiveness does not mean you simply forget what happened.
But you can choose how you allow it to influence your life now and into the future.
You can choose to break the cycle of abuse and trauma.
As survivors, we may never see or speak to those who wronged us again,
But for our own healing and recovery… so we can make new beginnings,
It helps to find compassion and forgiveness for those who hurt us,
For often, they too are survivors of their own abusive past.
Written by Bree Somer. Bree Somer is a degree qualified Social Worker with extensive experience and specialised training. She runs an online private practice in Australia, providing counselling and coaching sessions to those going through professional or personal transition. Bree has a passion for helping people to overcome obstacles and increase their self-determination. Alongside her personal experience and education, Bree’s background includes many years working within employment and training, social welfare, business administration, community and mental health, policy and management. She uses client-directed, outcome-focused sessions to improve confidence, communication, and connections, with the aim of achieving increased capability and well-being.
