Facing Bullying without losing Face

No parent wants their child to experience bullying. Not only does bullying dredge up haunting memories of our own playground or classroom harassment but we are fiercely protective of our offspring! I know, I have three of my own and if they came home mentioning the dreaded “bullying” word, my gut would turn and I’d need to fight back the desire to declare war!
I also have 30 years sitting on the other side of the desk as a teacher seeing the tears, distress and anger in children’s eyes as they talk about being bullied. I have heard them talk about not wanting to come back to school, feeling inferior and alone without any friends and even saying they feel like hurting themselves.
Bullying is real, it happens way too frequently. According to Kids Matter research one in every four children will face bullying at school! No school will ever eradicate it completely but how can we as parents empower our children to face bullying and not be disempowered by it?

Here are ten top tips to equip you to empower your child, should they face bulling.

Tip #1 Listen to Understand
Avoid the temptation to escalate their emotions with your own feelings as you listen to them. Don’t jump to conclusions. Actively listen, repeating back what they said. You could say: “So you’re saying…” or “Did I hear you say..?” This lets you check your understanding and encourages them to know you are listening.

Tip #2 Don’t Treat Them as a Victim
Bullying is largely fuelled by power; the giving away and the misuse of it. If you treat your child like a victim they will believe they are one. This requires a bit of juggling – you need to be compassionate and supportive but not wrap them in cotton wool. Ensure they believe they are brave and strong in themselves. Speak into them words that help them keep face and be empowered, such as: “You are so brave”, “You can be a hero”, “I am so proud of your courage!”

Tip #3 Reframe Negative Thinking
Many children who are bullied think unhelpful thoughts, such as “It’s too hard.”, “I’m useless.”, “Everybody hates me.”, “Nobody cares.” This negative thinking is toxic. Neuroscientist Dr Carolyn Leaf states: “The result of toxic thinking translates into stress in your body…it harms the body and the mind in a multitude of ways from patchy memory to severe mental health, to immune system problems.” Helping children to reframe their thinking is a powerful way to face bullying and for wellbeing. Helpful thoughts such as “I might be different, but that’s ok!”; “I know my mum/dad love me.”, “I can ask for help.”, “I can do this.” can be a critical tool to help empower them.

Tip #4 Be an Events Planner
I realise parents wear many hats, but to a child who is being bullied this can be a life saving one. Often all your child needs is one friend, one good friend they can talk to, sit with or hang-out with at playtime. One friend changes their world. Often though, bullied children struggle to make friends. This is where your event planning skills come in. If you can plan events where your child can play with other children, it can help them immensely. They don’t have to be high cost activities, just fun.

Tip #5 Create Technically Brave Bodies
Most children are unaware of what message their body is communicating. 54% of our communication is expressed through our body language. Parents can teach body awareness by videoing some role playing with their child. Play it back to them and ask how brave their body looked. Encourage them to stand with shoulders back, feet apart and arms by their side.

Tip #6 Craft a Captive Audience
If your child struggles to talk about bullying, take them for a drive and chat to them in the car. Many children don’t like giving eye contact when sharing something difficult. Driving provides lots of distractions if they feel uncomfortable – and they can’t storm off.

Tip #7 Together we can Achieve Much More
Finally, working with the school is a powerful way of helping your child. When you speak to the school about your child’s bullying, try to take in details (e.g. when, who, where, what. Were there any witnesses? How did they respond?) Be patient as schools need time to investigate but request a time for them to get back to you and ask the question, “What can we do together to stop the bullying?”

Helping your child to face bullying is not accepting bullying behaviour but about empowering them to respond constructively and assertively and to not lose face!

Article written by Jocelyne Chirnside. Jocelyne is an author, speaker, consultant, parent of three. Jocelyne has specialised as a Social and Emotional consultant for the past 18 years and supported over 80 schools in conflict and bullying. She is passionate about seeing children succeed in the most important areas in life – they’re ability to successfully negotiate life socially and emotionally. Jocelyne is the founder of EMPOWERING Life Skills and the creator of the BRIDGE BUILDERS Program which equips entire school communities with understanding, skills and a language. She is the author of EMPOWERED for life – Equipping children to deal with everyday conflict and bullying. You can find out more about her and her programs at www.EmpoweringLifeSkills.com.au