Getting past Mother Guilt

I used to suffer terribly with “mother guilt”.

 

Having children can be one big guilt trip and I felt guilty about everything I did and did not do, about my not-so-lovely thoughts, and just about the way I was. I was a working mother, and was single for a while, with no support, and that was the worst time of all, when my self-esteem was very low.

 

Having two very small children, putting them in long day care while I worked, then having to pick them up and organise shopping, cooking, dinner, bath and bed on my own was not an easy time… I was usually exhausted, often short with them, and did not look after myself at all.

 

They were (and still are) beautiful kids, but we can all be exasperating when we are tired and hungry, and evenings in our house were not always fun. When I finally got them to sleep I would look at my sleeping angels and my heart would melt and I would feel terrible if I had been less than loving with them during the day.

 

Because I felt so guilty about having to work and leave them in care, and about being less than loving with them at times, when I had the opportunity to treat them, I would. I ended up raising two spoilt, entitled children who thought they could say, do and have whatever they wanted, and I felt guilty about that too.

 

I now have a beautiful husband, five children, and four grandchildren with another on the way. We all have great relationships with each other now and love each other to bits. Along the way I have learned some things about having children and I felt to share them with you, in case they may help you to be more loving with yourself as a person and a parent, and more loving with your kids.

 

Twelve top tips for dealing with “mother guilt”:

 

1. You can only care for others as much as you care for yourself.

This is not a concept that many of us are familiar with. We have been raised to think that we are selfish if we look after ourselves first, but this is not true. There is a practical reality to having children, especially when they are very little, in that they have to be fed and cared for physically, but this is for a very short time, and they don’t have to be waited on hand and foot forever! We are worth caring for, just as much as anyone else, and we are our first responsibility, for if we don’t care for ourselves, who will?

 

2. You are a woman first and a mother second.

Never forget who you are. And why you had children in the first place. Honour yourself deeply as a woman, and make time for yourself and for your partner. You had children together because you love each other deeply and want to spend your lives together… never forget that… nurture yourself and your relationship as well as your children.

 

The way you are with yourself models how to be a person in life for your children: if you are living in a way that is loving and caring, you are giving permission to your children to be loving and caring too. And if you are hard on yourself and don’t take care of yourself, what is that teaching your children? You cannot expect them to honour you or themselves, if you do not first honour yourself deeply.

 

And the way you are in your relationship models how they are to be with other people too.

 

3. What you do and the way you do it matters far more than what you say.

There is no point telling kids what to do if you are not doing it yourself. Don’t sit on the couch having a drink and checking your Instagram feed while yelling at them to get off their phones. If they are fighting, don’t shout at them from another room to stop. It makes no sense and does not work! If you want them to stop doing it, you stop doing it! And if you want to communicate with them, stop whatever you are doing and connect with them first.

 

This can be hard for us to learn, because we want what we want, when we want it, but having kids is an awesome opportunity for us all to be more responsible and aware of how our actions affect other people, which they do, all the time.

 

4. Children are adults in little bodies.

Never underestimate your children. They know exactly what is going on. They read everything and are aware of everything, sometimes far more than we are. Treat them as adults in little bodies… there are some things they physically cannot do yet, which we need to support them with, but they understand everything they need to know. Speak to them in plain English, and give them responsibilities according to their age and abilities. They love it.

 

5. Saying no can be a loving thing to do.

We want our children to like us, but that is not our job. We are not their friends; we are their parents. Our job is to raise them to be the loving, caring responsible adults the world so desperately needs. And we can only do that by being loving, caring and responsible adults ourselves.

 

Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to say no: no to what is not loving for them, whether it be certain foods, drinks, activities or hanging out with certain people. We need to help them discern what is true for them and what is not.

 

It is much easier to say no to a two-year-old and to deal with their tantrum than keep allowing them to have their own way and watch the tantrums and behaviours get bigger and more serious and more out of control as they grow older… you will have to say no eventually, so why not start now?

 

6. Your children are special, but they are no more special than anyone else.

We think our children are special and they are, but treating them as more special than other people is a recipe for disaster. Treat your children as you would any other person, and that will help you to not raise spoilt entitled brats!

 

Do not let them demand things from you, or abuse you in any way, be it speaking disrespectfully or being physically abusive, or take you for granted and expect things from you.

 

If you are not sure whether to give them something, or allow them to do something, ask yourself whether you would let anyone else do that, and there is your answer.

 

7. Learn from your children.

Having children is a two-way street: we learn as much from them as they do from us. Teach your children to be open, honest and expressive and let them call you out and pull you back when you are off track, just as you do to them. My kids are quick to tell me when I am off track now, and I love the pull-up they offer me.

 

8. Look in the mirror.

Our children are a perfect reflection. They show us exactly where we are at, which is why we sometimes struggle with them so much. If their behaviour is off, chances are that ours is too. I know I used to take my kids out for cake, because I wanted a treat, and then go off at them when they went off from the sugar (because I was off too) …ridiculous, looking back, but that is how we roll…

 

9. Enjoy yourself.

Children are amazing. They are so much fun. Enjoy them! If you had a great childhood, you will know how to do that, and if you did not, this is your chance to raise your kids the way you would have loved to be raised; not in reaction to how your parents did it, or did not do it, but in a way that is truly loving and caring, for you and for them.

 

It is a great chance to reimprint your own childhood, celebrating it if it was joyful, and making life joyful now if it was not then. One of the greatest things about having children is that you have permission to do fun kid stuff as an adult.

 

10. Heal your childhood hurts.

The more you can heal what hurt you as a child, the more free you will be to raise your children, free of reaction. Many of us raise our kids the opposite to the way we were raised… if we were spoilt, and know how this played out, maybe we are too strict with our own kids… or if our parents were strict, maybe we are over-indulgent… either way is not true.

 

Deal with your own stuff, so you don’t end up hurting your children in the same way that you were hurt, or doing the opposite, which may hurt them in a different way.

 

11. They are only mistakes if you don’t learn from them.

We all get it wrong at times, but they are only mistakes if you don’t learn from them. Find your own way with your own children… you know them better than anyone and remember, they chose you… not your mum, sister, friend or next-door neighbour, but you. They love and adore you and think you are the best person ever… be that person… the one that they adore.

 

If you stuff up, say sorry, not in a poor-me or poor-them guilty way, but just as a matter of fact, so that they learn it is ok to make mistakes too, that no human being can be perfect, and that is not expected of

 

12. Be yourself

All you have to be is yourself… that is more than enough. Let out all the love you have for them and let in all the love they have for you and let that love sustain you through the tough times and light your way…

 

Being all of you is much more than we think. We are more than merely physical and have been around this block called life on earth more than once. Remember, that your child may once have been your parent, or your sister, and that we are wise beyond imagining, in whatever body we are in…

 

Enjoy this life together, knowing that we have been here before and we will be here again… and make the most of all the opportunities to learn and grown and deepen in love that come your way…

 

Article from: Anne Malatt.

Anne is a happily married mother of five and grandmother of four, with another on the way. She has also been a doctor for over 30 years and knows all too well the challenges of juggling relationships and career, and of raising children. Anne loves to share her lived experience and wisdom, that others too may find their way home.