How to Prepare Yourself for Marriage

Marriage is one of those things that comes up a lot — it’s all around us, yet most of us will admit that it’s a bit perplexing. Sometimes we see what seems like a perfect couple gets married and then drift apart only a few months later (or stay together and bicker incessantly). Sometimes those relationships which seem rough around the edges and comically mismatched stand the test of time.

We don’t yet know why marriage can make some people so happy and others so miserable; maybe we’ll never know. Just like the impact of beautiful live wedding music, the dynamics of relationships can be both surprising and enduring. What we can do, is lay a little bit of groundwork to give our own romantic relationships some solid ground to stand on. The following will look at a few of the many things you can do to help prepare yourself for marriage.

Learn To Speak Each Other’s Language

Long before you think about getting married, you should be figuring out how you can communicate with this person. People understand love differently. People express love differently. People prioritize elements of their life differently. Expressing our needs as we grow and change and learning how to understand each other’s expression of needs is crucial.

Marriage is, ideally, a forever thing. And that means that you’re not marrying one, single person. You’re agreeing to stick it out with every version of themselves that they become, all the while sifting through all the versions of yourself you become. There will be cycles, patterns, ebbs, and flows. An outgoing person who doesn’t need much space might go through a three-year phase of needing so much space it hurts you. A banker might want to quit their job at 35 and become an artist for the next ten years and then write a book and then teach scuba diving. Someone who finds your humour funny might become someone who gets grossed out really easily for four years in your late 50s. The only way you have a chance of flowing with all these changes is if you can speak to one another and hear one another.

Talk Through The Big Stuff

You don’t have to ruin the surprise if that’s the route you want to go, but you do need to talk about the big stuff with someone you’re thinking about marrying. This means knowing how they feel about children, not just whether you have them or not or how many, but discussing what makes for a good childhood and what parenting philosophies you each have (you’ll probably make some major changes if and when kids show up because you’re human and none of us really knows what we’re getting into when we have a kid but it’s good to have an initial game plan that you can look back at and laugh about). What are the minimums you want in place before having children? Is there a point at which one or both of you believes you’ll be “too old” to have children? How will you reconcile these two timelines?

This also means knowing how they feel about religion and spirituality. This means understanding their expectations of you. This means them understanding your expectations of them. And no, you can’t “have no expectations.” Even if you think you’re pulling it off, you’re still expecting them not to expect anything from you. Ergo, expectations are present. 

This means talking about morality — what you think makes a good person and a good life. What they think makes for a good human and a worthy existence. How should problems be solved?

And here’s the big one: what do you both think of marriage? Do you guys each admire your parent’s relationship? Grandparents? What aspects of marriage scare you? Why are you both open to the idea of getting married at some point? Because you were told you should isn’t a good enough answer.

The Proposal

Depending on your culture and history together as a couple as well as your financial status, this is going to look different for everyone. You might want to get some friends involved to plan a grand surprise; you might want to go hiking to that spot you guys had your first kiss, you might know the perfect joke for a casual proposal. If you have no idea where to start, research the ring and venue options in your area. If you’re in Melbourne, for instance, search: engagement rings Melbourne and sees what comes up. It’s okay to take your time perusing until you find the right thing for your relationship.

Talk Through The Little Things

Yes, we all know we shouldn’t sweat the small stuff, but sometimes, some of us do. Do you guys like enough of the same food to eat most of your meals together for the rest of your life? Do you have similar sleeping habits? Or can you deal with a spouse who stays up four hours later than you and sleeps for four hours after you get up? Do you like each other’s music? Movies? Could you spend casual, boring time with this person for the rest of your life? Be wary of any time one person thinks what the other one is into is stupid. Yes, her stupid teapot collection might be cute now. But staring at something you think is dumb for the rest of your life wears down on you.

How often should you visit relatives? What do you owe other family members? Can her cousin crash on the couch for six months between jobs? Can his uncle borrow money? Speaking of money, is that something you guys want to keep separate or pool together? What will that look like?

Consider Family Members

This is a tough one because everyone has a different relationship with their parents or siblings. Not every family is going to be welcoming or supportive. Some families are going to be obnoxiously welcoming and supportive. Some family members will be hurt if they’re left out of the loop. Others might be angered by the idea of marriage and need a bit of time to calm down and warm up to the concept before they show up to your engagement party. You know your family, and you know what is appropriate. If someone’s parents haven’t met someone else’s soon-to-be fiancée, it might be a good idea to get that first meeting out of the way before your spring marriage on them too. It is also vital that if you are expecting to use someone’s wedding dress or a family engagement ring or something of that nature that you ask before you make promises. 

The above concepts should help get you ready for the world of marriage. If you’re seeking more in-depth guidance, many counselors offer pre-marriage counseling sessions where they work through many of these ideas and other psychological elements in detail to help ensure you’re both ready to keep those vows.