Staging A Tough Conversation With Your Teenager

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Parents face two types of problems when they are thinking about making a course correction to their teenager’s behaviour: problems that might be dramatic and need an immediate remedy, such as when a teenager does something dangerous. The other type of problems are ones that build-up over time.

These types of problems are typically the more common and they occur when you’ve seen this behaviour before – and this time it is the ‘final straw’. What constitutes crossing the line in a teenager’s behaviour of course is going to vary from family to family but there are some things that a teenager might do that are beyond the pale in anyone’s language, such as breaking the law or making a too risky decision. As parents we need to remember that we have the fully adult psychological mind, and so we get to determine what’s not right or too risky.

I teach parents how to hold tough conversations with their teenager in the parenting courses I run. By equipping parents with some tried and tested conflict resolution skills and by teaching parents to use a script, they have been able to have more productive conversations, that achieve better outcomes for everyone.

There’s two other benefits in learning how to stage these tough conversations.

First, I’ve learnt that if I can show parents how to calmly, but resolutely, conduct a tough conversation, they’ll not only get to resolve the problem at hand, but they’ll also be able to model good negotiation skills for a teenager to follow. Too often in the media these days we see teenagers getting a pretty bad wrap, because most commonly we see teenagers flipping out when they don’t get their own way. But, it doesn’t have to be this way. I firmly believe that we can teach young people how to still hold their own and yet also learn to compromise without getting too cranky in the process.

Teenagers, of course, are not always going to be their best self in tough conversation. In other words, they might need your help to help them put their best self forward. To do this, you might gain better traction in a conversation with your teenager if you insist on a structure to the actual conversation. If you do, you will control how the conversation gets started and then how to manage the flow of a conversation from thereon. There’s a couple of benefits in structuring any conversation from the get go. You get to start first and that’s going to anchor the conversation. If you do a little preparation, there’s a better chance you won’t be blindsided. Why? Because you’ll have pre-thought about most contingencies. Say you predict that your teenager will get upset if you bring up an issue. If you have worked out what you need to say in reply – at that point in the conversation – chances are you won’t go down a rabbit hole and become lost. You’ll be able to more easily re-focus the conversation back to the issue at hand. As it turns out, just a little preparation can help you to stay in charge of the conversation, while attempting to resolve a teenage behaviour problem.

Here are my 10 tips for staging a tough conversation with your teenage son or daughter:

Work out if this really is a ‘can’t-let-that-one-go’ problem. If it is, then work out a plan.
Describe the problem in factual terms with sentence starters like, ‘I saw’ or ‘I have noticed’ or ‘I heard you say’.
Work out what behaviour you want from them. “I need you to respond to my texts late at night rather than just ignoring me”.
When you’re wanting to have a conversation, make an appointment time. Too many parents tend to rush these types of conversations and they end up having as hallway conversations. Most people want to get it over and done with. But, by rushing conversations like this, we’re more likely to see things spin out of control.
Begin the conversation by saying something kind or affirming: ‘I can see that you’ve been doing pretty well at soccer lately; your team are lucky to have you’.
Begin the body of a tough conversation by being factual. And say something like, “I want to go over a few things that have been happening recently. Last weekend you went to Mel’s party. You got home at 1am when we had agreed that you’d be home at 11.30pm.”
Keep listing the facts to them: ‘I sent you a text at 12 and you didn’t respond.’
If they get upset, acknowledge their emotions. ‘I can see you’re feeling frustrated that we’re having to talk about this’. Make two or three acknowledgements of this nature, if necessary.
Keep driving through your facts until you have listed them. There should only be about 8 facts at most. You’ll have to pick your best ones!
Ask them to change their behaviour. ‘It’d be better for me if you would respond when you’re out later than we agreed, so that I can be assured that you’re ok. In the future, I want you to get back to me.

Article from: By Michael Hawton, MAPS

I cover more of these strategies in my book, Engaging Adolescents, including a whole chapter on how to manage high emotions. It can be exhausting for many parents trying to hold tough conversations with a teenager but, if you have a proactive approach, you will be able to learn from people who have been there before you. www.parentshop.com.au