Three ways to help our kids when we’ve blown a fuse
It’s Tuesday, and you’ve managed to work a full day on very little sleep, collect the kids from daycare and after school care, and make it home without too much drama.
You smiled sweetly at complaints of rushing to the car. You made faces to help everyone keep their cool on the ride home. And in between rounds of separating the kids from their Lego tussle you prepared a scrumptious and nutritious meal.
But as you serve dinner your internal voice is screaming, “Why in the name of all that is cheesy can’t you just eat your dinner and leave your sister alone?”
Whether your flavour of emotional overwhelm is snapping, yelling or seething, you can support your kids’ emotional development even when you slip up.
That’s right. You don’t have to be a saint for your kids to grow up resilient.
Here are three ways to support your kids both during and after your emotional overwhelm.
But don’t worry too much about the order, or how often you should use each one. It’s a guide, not a recipe. And missing a step or messing up the proportions won’t ruin the outcome.
Learning emotional awareness and resilience is like learning any other skill. (Has ordering takeout ruined your cooking skills?) So give them a whirl if you remember and it feels right. But if you don’t feel like it, that’s okay. There’s probably a good reason. Just do what you’ve always done and try again another time.
Own how you feel aloud
“I’m so angry because I need some quiet time after work.”
“I’m frustrated because I’m tired.”
“I’m so worried everything won’t get done tonight.”
Notice how each example is about owning how you feel and what you need—not what other people have done.
You may think differentiating between needing quiet time and incessant sibling squabbling is splitting hairs. But it really makes a difference. It helps us to not only model emotional awareness, but also think of ways we can get what we need without blaming other people for our emotions, or focusing on how stuck we feel.
Let them know your intentions
Tell your kids why you’re making these decisions. You want them to have a nutritious meal because it helps them stay healthy. You want them to get to bed on time so they (and you) get enough sleep. And believe it or not, you want to make the evenings more fun for everyone but don’t know how.
Okay, so you’ve tried it before and it hasn’t worked. But stay with me here. You don’t need to make everyone agree with you. You just need to let them know you’re thinking about everyone’s needs, and explain how our emotions tell us whether those needs are being met.
This gives your kids the chance to consider your needs as well as their own without obliging them.
So if they don’t try the broccoli and beans straight away, or keep putting off having a bath (What do they think is in there? Kerosene?), it doesn’t mean stating your intentions hasn’t worked. You’re just reminding them about the needs you’re focusing on, and how emotional awareness can help them recognise when things are going well and when things need a shakeup.
Don’t say “I’m sorry”
Now before you report me to the parent coaching police, let me explain.
I’m not saying you should shirk your responsibility. I’m not even saying you should never use the ‘S’ word. What I am saying is it’s more important to show our kids that just because someone has been negatively affected doesn’t mean someone else is to blame. In any given situation, it’s important to give everyone’s needs and feelings a bit of space.
Don’t say, “I’m sorry I yelled. I shouldn’t have done that”. Instead, say, “I yelled about the Lego. Did that scare you?”, and then give them space to say how they feel (if they feel like sharing). This helps develop their emotional awareness and problem-solving skills.
From there you can let them know how you felt, what you needed, and what you wish you could have done.
“I’m sad that I yelled and scared you. I was angry the Lego was out because I’m tired and I don’t feel like cleaning up. I wish I’d thought of a way for us to work together so you get to play and I’m not so tired.”
If you can fix the problem, great. But you don’t need a solution to make everyone feel seen, heard and loved.
Article from: Jodie Thornton is a parent coach, working with mums that want to create a deeply close relationship with their kids so they grow up emotionally aware and resilient. Helping mothers achieve relationships that are both their kids’ soft place to fall and their springboard to creating a life they love is the best way she could imagine spending her days. Her approach involves supporting you to identify strategies that will work for you and your kids because no one knows them as well as you do and generic approaches just don’t reflect how individual kids – and parents – really are. Jodie has lived in Canberra with the love of her life and her 19 year old and 16 year old stepkids for the past ten years and now has a 3 year old and 1 year old. Some may say teens and toddlers are the perfect storm but she wouldn’t have it any other way. jodiethornton.com
